laissez-faire assessment. I ask him to bring up the films on his computer while I have him on the phone, and he tells me that the nidus of AVM has shrunken to 9mm by 4mm. This is a reduction of about 50%. My anger towards the radiologist is replaced by gratitude, and relief begins to settle in. About thirty seconds after I hang up I realize that this means that I still have an AVM. That nothing reduces risk except obliteration. That risk is cumulative. That I am getting closer to that 'average age of first bleed' statistic. That I have begun another year exactly were I started the last. When I told my husband that the AVM had shrunk, I actually broke down and started sobbing in the middle of our kitchen. It was hard to explain how I could feel both so happy and so devastated at the same time. More than anything, there was just this overwhelming wave of exhaustion. Tears of joy never tasted saltier.
go pay her a visit...click here
I also like the = sign... go figure.
For the last two days I have been "sleepy". And I still feel off... strange.... very strange.
I think I've been waiting for it to be caused by the AVM... and for something to let go... to leave something behind... to stay... but so far nada.
It is strange knowing what is gonna be your end... and wondering how it is gonna show it's ugly face.
It is not something that I am scared of. It just is.
Now I have to decide if I am going to publish this... I think I'm going to... at the risk of my "friends".
You see, I know this makes me sound like I'm depressed... I am not.
but unless they bother to read all the way down... and mull it around in their mines... it is gonna look like I am depressed... I AM NOT!!!!
I am just stating something I think is neat...
okay enough is enough... now I will youtube ya... why? I don't know...
Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues
Bob Dylan - Like A Rolling Stone
The first one is for those who r about to lift off....
The second just is...
maby I'll put up some RHPS later... we'll see...