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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

How to Guarantee Success at Blogging. (In five or six or seven easy steps)


How to Guarantee Success at Blogging. (In five or six or seven easy steps)

(This from a complete raving lunatic!)

First, always write well, always use spell check and proper grammar is a must.

Second, try to write about something topical, and in the minds of the reading population. A few good examples would be Tammy NYP, Bush, Brrreeeport, Neo-Nazis, French Muslims going ape shit, or rampaging Islamic Asshole Fundamentalists throwing a hissy fit over a fucking cartoon. When you rub out of topics to write about, go to technorati and look to see what is currently being talked about. If you do not know what something is, you can either look it up using a service like the one provided at Wikipeadia or you can just make something up. Technorati will post the top ten or so topics, so write a nice story that has as many of those words in it ass possible.. but try to make it look like you know what your talking about.. example of bad topic cherry picking.

"Bush likes Sex", said Duke Lacrosse as he unzipped his Brrreeeport. I didn’t know you smoked Brrreeeports said Deb LaFaye as she slowly unbuttoned her Kaavya Viswanathan.
"my god what a huge set of Osama's Crusade in Darfur you have there Deb." said John Tierney: as he picked up his iPod made in Iran right next to Iraq in the Oil Fields of Alibaba and Baba Ganoush.

See that just reads like spam, and spam while a tasty treat when mixed with the blood of human infants is not a good thing for your readers.

Third, talk about topics that interest you, it is a lot easier to talk about something you are interested in, so try to pick a topic, that you would read about and write about that. A good example here, would be Sex, or Masturbation, or Floggin the Dolphin or taking nude photos of the underaged (looking) girl next door.

Fourth, Photographs and Video if you can offer the public a glimps at something that they can’t see anywhere else in the world, in photos or video you have a sure fire winner. Take for example Tammy NYP, had she posted her video to her own blog, she could have made a mint. If you can get photographic proof that your neighbor is having sex with Sasquach again.. instant success! Or even better, get your grandmother to video tape you using a video phone having sex with a bigfoot and BLAMO! You get more popular than Daphne Teo, Xaxaiue, Clapbangkiss chick, and Bruna Bianco all rolled up into one hot sweaty chocolate covered wet tee shirt.

Fifth Swear like a drunken sailor.. yep, people love to hear you speak in raw and vulgar tones.. so even if you are reporting about the Church Brunch last Sunday, throw in a few well placed MF’s and GD’s for flavor. Beter than that, is to pick somone real of ficticous nd pretend that you are swearing at them! It really doesnt matter, who it is, people love to see strife in other people's lives.. I once thought about making a myspace site, that had all sorts of cute adn cuddly animal pictures adn love poetry and all things sweet and nice, adn then coming back here adn calling myself degrading names.. only I would not tell my readers that I was calling myself a raggady assed fag whore.. (get it??) Springer got his popularity by flaunting other people's mostly whith trash's problems.. if you can pretend you are a crazy swearing piece of white beer drinking nascar watching trash.. you may just make a million!

Sixth (not quite last and not quite least) leave comments wherever you go, that include your blogs URL.. for example, Nix left me a message where he called me a “gotard”, which is better than the Goat fucker I called him.. so what did I do.. I posted a link to Nix and said something like.. to see the worlds tiniest penis fuckdiddling a sheep click here.

And finally, do something news worthy.. go eat a neighbor Jeffrey Dahlmer style , or write a cannibal cookbook, or talk about how you dream about roasting baby ducklings in their own mothers bile before feeding then to starving African children… just be unique or be a slut.. it really is all up to you.


And those my friends are the secrets to blog success as I see them..
Have a comment??
Go get stuffed.,

PS tags don't hurt either.. see technorati for info on how to make those.















20 comments:

Greg said...

Hey, it worked!

Went to Technorati and saw your link to the top stories and then I came here.

Then you told me to leave a comment,and I think you are correct sir!

Random people leaving random thoughts are cool.

Now I have a link from my blog to yours. That is peachy!

Duncan said...

Not sure I like too much of the vulgarity. Can you go too far with the keyword stuffing that you encourage?

NixEclips said...

Fuck shittity fuckity fuck piss damn slut cunt cock shit fuck, Duncan. Vulgarity is where it's fucking at, goddammit!!!

And fuck you, DeRex, you Re-Bot.

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DelorumRex said...

Dear Duncan.. thanks for leaving such an insightful comment.. but the whole post was a joke.. a joke you did not get.. sorry.. please go back and re-read it.. especially the part about using spell check...
and remember I have always said.. spell check is for those who care..

I wonder how you came by my blog?
Was it on a keyword I stuffed? Or random chance?

My keyword stuffing comment was, I believe, 123% accurate. If you stuff and look like an unreadable hadge podge, then you suck.. if you stuff and everyone thinks you have a huge penis.. what was I talking about??
Ah nevermind.
ANyway, thanks for dropping by and leaving a small piece of sunshine.. I will be sure to do the same someday.. i promise..

Lisa said...

What an ugly blog you have! Do you really think people will click on the ad because you put it at the top!? God Adsense sucks. Anyway, now I got that out of the way, good post -- you tell it like it is :) Me? Yeah via brrreeeeport tag at Technorati -- idly wondered what would be top of the list for that tag these days.

DelorumRex said...

Thank you.. I strive to be as ugly as life.

Wanna hear somthing really stupid? I have placed the same ad on top , bottom right and left sides and watched the stats.. on top gets more clicks. Followed by Right, bottom and then left.

Lisa.. I may have to see if you have a blog.. I will tell you how pretty it is.. tall me does it make you any $$$ not that that maters on small , tiny, microscopic fart of a bit.. but I would be interested.
Pax,
DeRex (Ugly as life itself)

Lisa said...

You're welcome -- surely your blog is an expression of the ugly desperately trying to get out of your handsome body ;)

No, no $$$. My blog's not intended for that purpose. Something about receiving feedback from a variety of people on my opinions -- plus very small number of regular readers is the real reward of a blog to me.

Your blog is consistently shameless tho so credit to you for that. I actually have been coming back believe or not -- and once in a blue moon I might click on an ad so you can feel vindicated that your blog is a great way to make money!

DelorumRex said...

Lisa, you my dere are an angel in these times that's saying something!
As I have said time and time again.. life is ugly.. my blog reflects that ugliness back to the reader.. but you are beautiful.

I wish you peace and prosperity.. and proper spelling and grammar.. and coming from me.. that's sayin' a mouthfull!
Pax,
DeRex

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Each of you has your personal story; it is your history. Keeping a diary or writing your feelings in a special notebook is a wonderful way to learn how to think and write about who you are -- to develop your own identity and voice.

People of all ages are able to do this. Your own history is special because of your circumstances: your cultural, racial, religious or ethnic background. Your story is also part of human history, a part of the story of the dignity and worth of all human beings. By putting opinions and thoughts into words, you, too, can give voice to your inner self and strivings.

A long entry by Anne Frank on April 5, 1944, written after more than a year and a half of hiding from the Nazis, describes the range of emotions 14-year-old Anne is experiencing:

". . . but the moment I was alone I knew I was going to cry my eyes out. I slid to the floor in my nightgown and began by saying my prayers, very fervently. Then I drew my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arms and cried, all huddled up on the bare floor. A loud sob brought me back down to earth, and I choked back my tears, since I didn't want anyone next door to hear me . . .

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"When I write I can shake off all my cares. My sorrow disappears, my spirits are revived! But, and that's a big question, will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer? I hope so, oh, I hope so very much, because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideals and fantasies.

"I haven't worked on Cady's Life for ages. In my mind I've worked out exactly what happens next, but the story doesn't seem to be coming along very well. I might never finish it, and it'll wind up in the wastepaper basket or the stove. That's a horrible thought, but then I say to myself, "At the age of 14 and with so little experience, you can't write about philosophy.' So onward and upward, with renewed spirits. It'll all work out, because I'm determined to write! Yours, Anne M. Frank

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